For decades, an unspoken rule has governed the lives of frum girls in America: if you want a good shidduch, you must go to seminary. What was once an optional, enriching experience for a select few has transformed into an expectation, a near-mandatory checkpoint in the system. But why? Who decided that an expensive, year-long program in Israel is a requirement? More importantly, why are we still going along with it?

How Seminaries Became Mandatory

It wasn’t always like this. Decades ago, seminaries were meant for a small percentage of girls who sought an extra year of intense learning and spiritual growth. It was a privilege, not an expectation. But somewhere along the way, things shifted. By the 1980s and 1990s, seminary attendance became the norm rather than the exception. As shidduchim became more and more competitive, parents and girls alike began to view seminary as a non-negotiable credential on a resume. Now, we’re at a point where skipping seminary is a liability, a stigma that can haunt a girl and her family.

From Gap Year to Glorified Sleep Away Camp

Originally, seminary served as a bridge between adolescence and adulthood, giving young women an opportunity to solidify their hashkafos before entering the next stage of life. It was a true “gap year,” offering not just learning but real-world independence. Today, however, seminary has devolved into something else entirely. Instead of fostering self-sufficiency, it has become an extension of high school, an expensive, heavily sheltered experience where everything is arranged and provided. Laundry services, catered meals, dormitory supervision—it’s all there. Girls graduate seminary with the same level of dependence they had when they left home.

The Financial Strain on Families

Let’s not ignore the elephant in the room: money. Seminaries are outrageously expensive, often costing upwards of $25,000 for the year. But that’s just the base cost. The additional, hidden expenses quickly add up: mandatory trips around Israel, frequent eating out at high-end restaurants, and the pressure to keep up with the “Schwartzes” in terms of clothing and lifestyle. Many girls feel compelled to buy an entirely new wardrobe before leaving for seminary just to fit in. Families stretch themselves thin, take on debt, and sacrifice other financial priorities just to send their daughters to Israel. Why? Because they feel they have no choice. No one wants to be the one family whose daughter is seen as “different,” the one who didn’t follow the script. But is this sustainable? Is it fair to continue imposing this burden on families for a year that is neither financially nor educationally essential?

The Get-Rich-Quick Seminary Scheme

At its core, the seminary system today resembles a get-rich-quick scheme that preys on all families, rich and poor alike. These institutions have perfected the art of marketing themselves as an indispensable step in a young woman’s life, ensuring that families feel trapped into paying exorbitant fees. The illusion of necessity is reinforced by the fear of social exclusion—an effective and manipulative tactic that ensnares countless families. Our daughters are conditioned to believe that without seminary, they will be pariahs, unworthy of a “good” shidduch. In reality, seminaries are profiting off of this fabricated requirement, milking parents for every last dollar while offering little of actual substance in return.

The Lack of Practical Skills

For all the time, money, and energy invested in seminary, what do these girls actually gain? Do they come out knowing more real-life skills than they should have already learned in high school? In most cases, the answer is no. Many girls graduate seminary without knowing how to kasher an oven, prepare meals efficiently, or manage a household. They leave without a college degree or any practical training that could support them if they choose—or are expected—to marry a kollel husband. Instead, they are conditioned to pine after a future that is financially unsustainable without external support. What exactly is being accomplished? What they might actually pick up, however, is an eating disorder or two, thanks to the pressure of social comparisons, unrealistic body standards, and the stress of maintaining a certain image among their peers.

The Lack of Hashkafic Diversity

Another glaring issue is the lack of hashkafic diversity. Most seminaries push a single narrative, discouraging independent thought and intellectual curiosity. Girls are expected to conform to a rigid, idealized vision of what a “frum woman” should be, rather than developing their own unique understanding of Torah and Yiddishkeit. Dissenting perspectives are often dismissed, leaving students unprepared for the complexities of real-life religious challenges.

Pressure on Parents Beyond Just Seminary

The financial and social burdens don’t stop at seminary. Parents are expected to foot the bill for a new wardrobe before seminary, trips during the year, food and drinks, Cafe Rimon, and all you can eat buffets at other locations, and often a wedding shortly after. The financial strain continues long after seminary ends, reinforcing an ever-expanding cycle of unsustainable communal expectations.

The Mismatch Between Seminary and Real Life

Seminary creates an artificial, controlled environment that doesn’t reflect the realities of marriage, work, and adulthood. Many young women return with unrealistic expectations about marriage, having been sold an idealized version of life that doesn’t prepare them for real-world responsibilities. Instead of empowering young women to be adaptable, capable, and resilient, seminaries leave them unprepared for the responsibilities that await them.

Reinforcement of Superficiality

Perhaps one of the most damaging aspects of the seminary system is how it reinforces superficiality. A girl’s “status” post-seminary is often dictated by which seminary she attended, creating unnecessary class divisions within the frum community. Instead of emphasizing character, kindness, and depth, the system fosters competition, elitism, and an obsession with external appearances.

The Shidduch System’s Grip on Seminaries

And then there’s shidduchim. The biggest fear for many parents is that a girl who doesn’t attend seminary will be viewed as “less than.” It’s an open secret that resumes are scanned for seminary names, with certain institutions carrying more weight than others. A girl who doesn’t attend? Questions arise. Why didn’t she go? Couldn’t her parents afford it? Is she “less frum”? It’s absurd. A year in Israel should not determine a young woman’s worth, nor should it dictate her future prospects. Yet here we are, locked into a system where seminary is just another checkbox in a never-ending list of expectations.

The Urgency to Change

For those of us with daughters in elementary school, this may feel like a distant issue—but time moves quickly. If we don’t take action now, we will soon find ourselves in the same cycle of financial strain and social pressure. The expectations surrounding seminary won’t change unless we actively push back against them.

It’s Time to Break the Cycle

We need to challenge the status quo. Parents must stand together and recognize that seminary is not the only path. Girls should be encouraged to explore multiple avenues for growth—whether it’s work, higher education, or alternative learning programs. The stigma of skipping seminary must be dismantled, and the shidduch system must recognize that true worth isn’t measured by a seminary name.

Seminary was never meant to be an obligation. Let’s make it optional again.