frum

The Seminary Trap: Time to Push Back!

For decades, an unspoken rule has governed the lives of frum girls in America: if you want a good shidduch, you must go to seminary. What was once an optional, enriching experience for a select few has transformed into an expectation, a near-mandatory checkpoint in the system. But why? Who decided that an expensive, year-long program in Israel is a requirement? More importantly, why are we still going along with it?

How Seminaries Became Mandatory

It wasn’t always like this. Decades ago, seminaries were meant for a small percentage of girls who sought an extra year of intense learning and spiritual growth. It was a privilege, not an expectation. But somewhere along the way, things shifted. By the 1980s and 1990s, seminary attendance became the norm rather than the exception. As shidduchim became more and more competitive, parents and girls alike began to view seminary as a non-negotiable credential on a resume. Now, we’re at a point where skipping seminary is a liability, a stigma that can haunt a girl and her family.

From Gap Year to Glorified Sleep Away Camp

Originally, seminary served as a bridge between adolescence and adulthood, giving young women an opportunity to solidify their hashkafos before entering the next stage of life. It was a true “gap year,” offering not just learning but real-world independence. Today, however, seminary has devolved into something else entirely. Instead of fostering self-sufficiency, it has become an extension of high school, an expensive, heavily sheltered experience where everything is arranged and provided. Laundry services, catered meals, dormitory supervision—it’s all there. Girls graduate seminary with the same level of dependence they had when they left home.

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The Flawed Narrative: Addressing Bias in the Discussion of Divorce in the Frum Community

The recent article, “Divorced Wives: Why Frum Acceptance of Divorce Led to Disastrous Results,” presents itself as a commentary on the growing normalization of divorce within the frum community. However, its overwhelmingly one-sided perspective and blatant bias against women undermine any meaningful contribution to the conversation. A more balanced and nuanced approach is needed to explore the true challenges facing frum marriages and the consequences of divorce.

Blame Misplaced: Feminism as a Convenient Scapegoat

The article attributes the erosion of family values to the influence of feminism, painting it as the root cause of marital breakdowns. This oversimplification ignores the cultural pressures within the frum world that also contribute to these issues.

One glaring omission is the discussion of the role of young men who are often raised with the expectation to exclusively learn Torah, with financial support provided by their in-laws. While Torah study is a cornerstone of frum life, this reliance can sometimes foster an unhealthy dynamic, where men are neither financially independent nor emotionally prepared for the realities of marriage.

When these young men enter marriage, many lack the maturity and skills to contribute as equal partners. This dynamic places an undue burden on women, who are expected to manage the home, raise children, and often support the family financially—all while respecting their husbands as the “head of the household.” Feminism is not the sole disruptor of family values; systemic imbalances within the community also deserve scrutiny.

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Divorced Wives: Why Frum Acceptance of Divorce Led to Disastrous Results

A relatively new phenomenon has arisen in the Orthodox Jewish world: divorce. While in the past it was a rare consequence of a husband beating his wife or a wife committing adultery (R”L), nowadays the frum divorce rate seems to be out of control, with young mothers (or in some cases fathers) stating that they didn’t have a connection with their spouse.

The questions are as follows: What changed? What are the results of these behaviors? What is the Torah view on this? And what is the solution?

To answer the first question in one word: acceptance.

While civilized society over the past millennia has valued the traditional family unit as one of sheer necessity, the post-industrial revolution era and feminism have led to the erosion of family values. This has reached the point where the divorce rate in the United States is nearly 50%. The frum world is not immune to these challenges. When certain organizations and askanim were allowed free rein to mix into shalom bayis issues and advocate for divorce—along with major publications and now “frum” podcasts advertising such organizations and askanim—this led to the establishment of organizations to help the children from divorced homes. This, in turn, reduced the individual burden of the custody-bearing parent and inevitably led to the acceptance of divorce we see today.

To address question number two: the results are, in one word, a disaster. To describe personal examples is beyond the scope of this article, but it is well known that court cases force men into legal servitude through child support, hard-earned assets are lost, and personal mental well-being is destroyed. The most affected are young children, as they become proxies for one side to take revenge on the other. In many cases, this leads to rebellion, substance abuse, and even suicide.

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